I have a problem

Even though today is my birthday, it goes to show to how loveless my life is, to the fact that is was only celebrated with three people, one person if you take out my family. I guess it doesn't matter how many the people, as opposed to who they are or what you do.
But the thing is that, every time I have an exceptionally good time with friends, I laugh, I have fun, I feel alive and not a thought in my head, just life in that moment, and the moment is finished and I'm on my way home, I feel even sadder and even more alone than I have the days before when I was home alone all day on the internet.
It always happens, and I always end up feeling lonely, and sometimes I turn numb, I feel like I'm the only person in the world, loveless, not cared for, not thought about, the side-story that was kept on the shelves because it wasn't important enough to be put in the paper. As if if I died in that moment, I would just be tossed aside, not good enough for a coffin and my only purpose would probably be manure for plants in the future to come.

No one understands me

I hate when I'm not taken seriously, either because of my age, or because normally I act silly and boisterous. Because that's how I am on the outside, no one ever thinks I'm capable of being serious, deep or having provoking thoughts or ever being near to thinking like an intellectual. This annoys me to no bounds, because all the times when I'm alone, I am like that, and to be told or scoffed at when showing this side in public, it's extremely aggravating. I hate it. Whatever I am, or whatever I show is only a side of the story, and maybe if you heard all of it, you might actually understand it.

Musings

I have so much on my mind, so much I'm feeling, but when it comes to writing it all down; my mind goes blank. I feel too much of it all, and I don't think I'll ever be like Anne Frank, who had the particular skill of articulate skill of the telling of her emotions.
I have to say, two years ago, I tried reading Diary of Anne Frank more than three or four times, now I can't stop. It truly is exquisite! (I ship Petel [van Daan] and Anne so hard omfg!)
Apart from that, I have so many books that have been set out for me for the holidays, which is absolutely amazing, and my brother is here for me to annoy :)
But I can't help feeling, even though all these things will be happening, I won't enjoy the summer because I have no friends and I never go out with anyone, and I'll stay the whole day in my house interneting and feeling useless and my parents telling me I am for having such a rubbish life; but when I want to go out like three times in a week, my mom tells me off for going out 'too much', even though I hardly have a social life, and says when she was that age, she didn't go out as much as I did.
I wander of the future, and if leaving home will be all I make it out to be, because I envision it as the point in my life where freedom begins and everything I've wanted to do, be and learn, will happen and I really shall be devastated if that isn't the case.

All for now.

Rant

I hate it when I tweet some serious shit about myself, and then people reply trying to correct me, or when people try to restrain me from doing shit I want to, like seriously respect me and let me be.

Today was the worst experience ever, I was completely man-handled, I don't think they knew what they were doing, I don't think that when Seun was holding me that tightly that I am weak, and that it hurt a lot, and they were doing what society did to me this time last year [when it was at its strongest] restraining me from being me. I can't have my friend, my fucking friend, acting like my bloody brother for God's sake!! 
I don't want to see ANY of them for so long.
I feel helpless and useless.
This is mental rape.
I am dead.
I feel my ghost come back.
Hello relapse.